"THE NEW AUTISM GURU" IS A BIG PILE OF NERVES

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted but I've been ultra busy trying to finish up my old job. Sunday was the last day of my job as a full-time employee. I am going to stay on part-time (one, maybe two at the most) days a week of family training and supervision. Monday started training at my new job. I got a position as a special education teacher in the autism program in a non-public school. I'm so excited about the school, the program, everything. The school is like no other I've ever taught at or been in for that matter. From the moment you walk in, you think is this a school. From the vibrant colors on the walls, the nontraditional furniture (table cloths and place mats in the dining room) to the individualized and abundant technology, I was hooked. What really sold me was when the educational director (fancy title for principal) said to me, if you're someone who needs structure, control, or anything like that you will not survive hear. We are true believers in controlled chaos as if someone has an idea, we'll try it out. I immediately thought I've got to have this job and when after a discussion about my past experiences with community outings, he started calling it my class (i.e. "your class does this, your class that.") I prayed that it would be mine. An email that Friday evening thanking him for the interview and expressing my interest, I received a reply later that night from his home email account saying "We loved you, we think you'll be a great fit. If you don't hear from HR by Wednesday, CALL ME!!!" Yippee!!!

So for the past four days, I have been freezing my hiney off in trainings (yes, I've been wearing a wool sweater jacket in 90 degree weather) with other newbies from all 3 campuses, 2 group homes, and a foster program. Today was the first day, I actually had a whole conversation with someone who's going to be on my campus and possibly a part of my team.

Tomorrow (or later today actually) is my first "real" day of work. Training is over and all staff come back. I AM SO NERVOUS!!! I don't know where my classroom is, I wasn't even sure where I was supposed to report first thing in the morning. Plus every time this week I've met someone new, they get all excited and call me the Autism Guru (it's a school with mostly emotionally disturbed kids that is hoping to expand their autism program - hence why they wanted me for my experience to make that expansion happen). That's a lot to live up to. I'm still trying to get in the routine of getting up early and instead of sleeping at 12;45 (up in 6 hours). My stomach is tied in knots. I feel like a little kid going to her first day of school in a new town.

LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR SOMETIMES

I promise to post very soon about what's going on in the job front, I just feel kind of bad being excited about that when a horrible thing has happened this week. A previous student of mine, who happens to be the son of a friend of mine, passed away this week. Christopher was twelve years old and had cerebral palsey. I had him when he was eight and he was pretty bad off then, in a wheelchair, feeding tube, non-verbal, etc. He ended up getting so bad and difficult to take care of that his mother, who is divorced from his father and hurt her back, had to give him custody because she just couldn't lift him anymore and do the physical aspect of Christopher's care. By this time, he was on oxygen. This weekend, Christopher had what the doctors think, to be a stroke and a heart attack. AT TWELVE!!! The was clinically dead for about 20 minutes before they could get him back. His kidneys shut down and he just wasn't doing all that well. All the family could do was bring him home and wait for his little body to give up his fight. Tuesday night his little body just finally gave in. Today is the viewing/funeral service.
This isn't the first student I've lost, it's been a previous student passes on every year for the past five years. It just doesn't seem fair that children that young have to fight so hard for everything. Fight to communicate, fight to move, fight to breathe, fight to live. Most of the time it makes me feel lucky for all I have, today I just feel sad for his parents and all the parents out there who fight with their children, sad for me and very jaded.



Rest in peace Christopher. I hope your up their running around, eating all the food you used to turn your head towards the smell of and just playing and having fun. You're so going to be missed down here!!!

AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!

I AM A GIANT STRESS BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(that's it...that's all I have to say)

Cross Your Fingers, Toes And Every Other Crossable Body Part For Me

As said in my previous post, I'm absolutely miserable at my job so I'm doing the job search. Dang I really hate interviewing. Well Friday I went on an interview with a non-public school that I absolutely loved. The atmosphere was so homey, not at all an institutional school feel. The walls are various colors (blue, purple, pink, etc). The cafeteria uses real dining tables, placemats, etc. Just a completely homey feel. While I was waiting for the Director of Educational Services (a.k.a. principal) for fifteen minutes, everyone who walked by smiled and said hello. The meeting with the principal went great. We had a fabulous rapport, alot of the same experiences, values, etc. When he brought out the schedule he was thinking about for the kids, I got my mojo going and started rambling off ideas for the program. He called down the rooms assistant and started calling it "my class" (good sign right??). So apparantly it's an ED (emotionally disturbed school) that has a few kids with autism in it but they're looking to expand the program. The just got funding that there would never be any more than 5 kids per classroom (right now they have 8). My class would start with 3, the lowest functioning class (my specialty). He said that they're looking for someone to help expand the program. He was just that morning, after our interview, meeting with money people to get funding to knock out a wall to open up a new wing so they can expand the autism program. He kept saying my experience would be great for that and would have lots of room for advancement. Unfortunately the money people got there early so he had the assistant give me a tour and said he would call me later. As I left, the assistant, who I adored, said that she would "see me in a couple of weeks."
When I left there I knew that was the place I'm supposed to go. I'm a person that goes with my gut a lot and my gut was screaming, this is it. Friday night, I got home and send the principal a thank you email and about an hour later, from his phone email I got an email that said
"We loved you! Great interview! You seem like a great fit!
I have made my recommednations to HR; I believe you should hear from

---

early next week. if you have not, please call"

WOO-HOO!!!! Now, we just have to pray that the salary that they'll offer, or will negotiate to pay, will be what I need to make! So like I said, keep your fingers, toes and every other crossable body part crossed for me.

I'll let you know what happens!!!

Sucky, sucky (and not in a good way)

Well, I'm sorry to all that I haven't been blogging lately but I've been in a piss-ass mood and not fit for company. So why the piss-ass mood

1. Work: That's the major reason. I knew when I took this job that it would be some funky hours and that I can deal with. What I can't deal with is having funky hours, not having a life AND being a verbal punching bag. The good thing about this year in my job is that I have decided that I definitely do not want to own my own autism agency and I miss teaching. So I have been sending out resumes with avengence hoping to find a new job. I just can't take it anymore. I'm miserable.

2. love life: or lack there of. I have my once a month date with the Guy With No Future. Nice guy, we have a good time together but he has two kids he hasn't seen in over a year. In my book, that is not a guy that I can have a future with. However, I have decided that why does every date have to be with someone with a future? So I have a once a month date with The Guy With No Future, mostly once a month cause his schedule is busier than mine (he manages a restaurant and works tons).

3. Overall Mood: BAD, BAD, BAD. I'm bitter, angry, and I cry a lot. Overall I suck. I spent last week, going back to smoking. I quit smoking in 2000 and now I'm a drunk smoker. When i've had two much to drink, I steal cigarettes, take two or three puffs and say "ewww, I don't want this." (It's actually funny, I've taken cigarette's out of male strangers mouths at bars - and have never gotten decked, sometimes funny looks but normally then a conversation....my theory is if I steal a cigarette out of your mouth, I'm obliged to talk with you). Last week, I was so upset and stressed, I smoked like a chimney. I even went out and bought a pack. Last night, I bought another pack and was sitting a friends house watching a movie, when I thought "what the heck am I doing" and gave her the cigs.

So basically life sucks big time!!!!

A GRRRR kind of day

Friday afternoon I had periodontal surgery. Something about pushing back muscles in my mouth and moving tissue to cover it. I'm not sure. I'm a firm believer in the less I know, the less chance I'll have of passing out because you've made me sick (nope being a dr, nurse, etc, is not in the cards for me). Friday, I had novacaine mouth, so I felt fine. Saturday, little sore but really okay. Sunday lot more sore but surviving. Yesterday and today I feel like crap and I look like a chipmunk from the swelling. It's perfectly normal, the nurse said that could happen, I just didn't plan for that. So basically I'm in pain today and popping extra stregnth tylenol. A bad day to start with but oh it's getting worse.
Today I have to drive 2 1/2 hours for a one hour school visit (actually 5 total because I have to get home). This visit I was supposed to do with my boss but, of course, she had another drama and got back from Wisconsin late last night so isn't going to come with me. I know I sound totally unsympathetic but, seriously, so would you when you're dealing with someone who has drama after drama after drama. I know they're all totally justifiable but still I can't take it anymore. I can't take feeling like a bitch anymore and that's what I feel like. She has drama and totally takes it out on me, hence the jeckel and hyde nickname I have for her. When someone always has something new going on in their lives, it's just hard to be sympathetic and I've always been considered a sympathetic/empathetic kind of person. Something has got to give.
So, now, I have to finish getting dressed and drive 2 1/2 hours, see my kiddo at his residential school for an hour, maybe stop at the outlets to wander around for a bit with no money, then drive 2 1/2 hours home, all the while popping tylenol and praying for my bed. Yippee, it's gonna be a fun day

CHI-TOWN HERE I COME

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm hopping on an airplane to Chicago for a work conference. My boss (hopefully Jeckle and not Hyde, whichever the nice one is) and I will be spending Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the conference, leaving 8am Monday morning (Guess who's going to sleep all day when she gets back???). I'm hoping that this is a good trip and my boss and I get along well. I'm been contemplating changes and I think this trip may confirm the necessity of the change or whether I can wait until a close to perfect change comes up. Wish me luck and hope for me, that I get to see some of Chicago, especially since I've never been.